is this a good story beginning? it is my first attempt at a novel and i am 12 years old?

The year was 3159, the world was a dark and dangerous place ever since the war began, and it was beyond any vile act of man ever seen before, the war that would destroy the world. Every country was at war with each other. There were no allies whatsoever. In school there were regular bomb drills. Every child above 10 years old was required to carry around a nambu pistol, sure they were a bit old but they had a good fire rate. Robotics engineering had been mastered and they were starting with energy weaponry.

Andrew was playing floorball on the street with his friends when a giant shadow covered the ground. Andrew looked up to see what it was, he didn`t see anything but he heard something! An atomic bomb was falling through the air, not just one, but five, no fifty, no five hundred atomic bombs! As he started to run away to the towns bomb shelter he saw his friends standing there. Like deer in a headlight, just staring at the sky. “Come on! What are you waiting for?! They said nothing as a mushroom cloud engulfed them.
He got in the shelter, but he was the only one! His parents had already been engulfed and when he saw someone running towards it, he locked the door and ran to the farthest wall of the shelter.

Andrew woke up with a gasp in cold sweat. He had had that dream for fifteen nights in a row, even though he knew it would be impossible to remember it, because it happened over one hundred years ago. He heard the traders coming around and went to get his normal items: petrol for his motorcycle, a small book, some bread and a nice herbal tea which helped him sleep easily. The other, not so usual things he got were a shocksword and an m9 pistol. In return he gave them 50 shells and some wheels for their jeep. When he got back to his campsite started working on a schematic for a spider mine. It was a plasma mine that would plant itself in an area, but when someone came in a 50 foot radius it would find them. Jump on the, and stab itself in the victims chest and explode. The only problem was that it would explode on anyone, allies or enemies. He was musing over solutions when he decided to read the newest novel he bought. It was titled “the fall of humanity”. He got a few pages in and realized that it was a book he had wrote that someone else had taken credit for. He threw it in the fire and put up some empty bottles of whiskey. He had shot three out of five bottles when someone put a gun up to his head “put up your hands” said a rough voice. He did just that and as the raider was going through his pockets for weapons or shells Andrew smashed his elbow on the back of the raiders head, pulled out his shocksword and whacked him in the shins, pulled out his m9 and shot the intruder in the kneecap. “Who are you? Give two good reasons not to blow your brains out! Well? Spit it out you worthless pile of excrement!” “Umm, well, uhh, you see, um, I’m sexy?” “Wrong answer” BANG! Andrew did what he promised and blew his brains out. Andrew, without any emotions, took the man’s` shells and threw the corpse in his fire.

later that night something was bothering Andrew was mulling it over for a while and realized that the thing that was bothering him was that when he killed that man, it didn`t even matter to him that the man might not have even wanted to do that, he might`ve been forced. A lot of raider groups did that so there would be less chance of them getting killed. He decided to make a cup of tea and call it a night.

Andrew woke up at around dawn to the sound of engines. He grabbed his m1041 shotgun and his m9, when he looked toward the direction sound and saw about 59 thugs on motorcycles all armed with clubs and assault rifles! “what is this about?” he asked, “you killed one of our men!” He shot the first few with his shotgun and the next few with his m9. He pulled out his shocksword and cut the one closest to him, when they realized that he wouldn`t back down they ran away. “it`s no longer safe for me here I guess.” He said to himself. He went back to his camp, grabbed his motorcycle and important items, and set his camp on fire so nobody else could use it. After the deed was done drove off toward California, the only place with any order left. With any luck he would be able to join the makeshift military.

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5 Responses to is this a good story beginning? it is my first attempt at a novel and i am 12 years old?

  1. DREAMER <3 September 24, 2010 at 3:15 pm #

    Good points :
    You have certainly done your research, for accuracy’s like gun models and mushroom clouds caused by atomic bombs ( though i doubt a shelter would protect you and you would probably get radiation poisoning! )
    For you age it it really good and i couldn’t of written anything like that at your age
    The plot is intriguing a war with no allies and the year gives all sorts of possibilities for advanced Technologies you could create.

    Bad points:
    Too much is happening to fast, slow it down ALOT 🙂
    Try to vary what you start your sentences with rather then he, a , the etc
    Also remove the because im sexy part, it doesn’t fit with the tone of the novel
    Rather than just action all the time try to add in a detailed description and emotions

    Overall i think its very good and it also a good idea to ask for constructive critscim like you did, if you take on board what everyone said and edit it you will have a even better opening. Also when you older you will be able to write even better as you are writing to this level already !

  2. ღ▲$♏εxy Dαm0η▲ღ September 24, 2010 at 3:15 pm #

    Then I suggest you get off this site as you have to be 13 to be on here, sorry!

  3. ImBored97 September 24, 2010 at 3:15 pm #

    thats really really good!

  4. MissCazzyLovesMSI September 24, 2010 at 3:15 pm #

    it’s… amateur. The last two paragraphs sound like they were written by a twelve year old. You have too much going on in too short an amount of time. Write out a good outline before you write a novel.
    Paragraphs shouldn’t really be that long most of the time.
    If i were you i would take a creative writing class hosted at your local community college for teenagers. Almost all cities have them. It might be able to help you sharpen your technique. People will also be able to take you a lot more seriously if you can get short stories and poetry published to magazines while you are in your teenage years.

    You are really young and you should wait a little longer into your novel. Even finish it. before you ask people to take you seriously. You may feel strong at the start of it, but it’s not as easy to finish a novel as you might think.

  5. ღ Danny Miller ღ Emmerdale lover September 24, 2010 at 3:15 pm #

    To be honest it’s not very good, but you’re only 11 so that’s understandable. Oh and this story is a inappropriate for somebody your age.